If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes - http://www.theonion.com/article...
If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes
"The first few months behind bars were the worst of my life. Every night I'd stare into the darkness, waiting for the nightmares, waiting to hear those horrible screams all over again. Even here behind these thick penitentiary walls, there was no hiding from what I'd done to that poor family. Then, one night, it happened: I lay alone in my cell, my only companion the visions of wickedness that filled my head. Suddenly, there was a light, and somehow the light spoke to me. It was the voice of Jesus Christ. He told me he had died for the sins of mankind and all could find peace through his salvation. Was I ready to repent? Uh, let me think about that for a sec. Yup! It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I'd spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, "Nah, you're good." He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff. Which is ironic because the family I murdered in cold blood was praying to Jesus like crazy the whole time." - Eivind from Bookmarklet
okay, nice story, but dont forget its from the onion - Eddy63
Who forgot? - Eivind
Um apparently Jeremy forgot. - Steve C, Team Marina
Jeremy, you forget we are atheists not people who are turning away from a god. If you don't think a benevolent invisible man lives in the sky, you can't wish he would forgive you for doing things that he arbitrarily decides are improper. - Heather
But I *can* square my actions with my creator. It goes like this: "Hi Mum, sorry I couldn't come over for dinner last week. Is this Thursday ok?" There, squared. (Hey, you said to make light if I want...) - Mark
Nice rationalization for your complete submission Jeremy. You might regret that choice though, when He touches you with His Great Noodly Appendage. Who'll have egg on their face then? ...er, so to speak. - Edward Zwart
you SHOULD fucking feel shitty about your crimes shit head - Sativa
LMAO - Sativa