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Whoa there’s a guy here at the airport whose whole top of his head is missing, gross—wait never mind he’s wearing a camouflage baseball cap.
Read what Republicans said yesterday on immigration. Read a local liberal gentrifier blog. Learn 100 new ways to say “I dislike minorities.”
I hadn't heard the phrase "we tortured some folks" since junior high.
Hey everyone let's all walk backwards and see if those pedestrian crosswalk timers get confused and start counting upward.
What did I miss? Why are Texas Gov. Rick Perry and the indie coffee shop kids both wearing "sexy librarian in an 80s music video" glasses?
If I could remember to put the filter in the machine I wouldn't need coffee now would I.
I am an aspiring marketer who digs body spray, high fructose beverages, and big oil companies. Nailed it, Twitter "promoted" tweet server.
On a low-carb diet. Who knew that carbons were fattening? Haven't eaten coal, soot, graphite, or diamonds all day. Feeling great.
"It's not 'software,' Daddy. It's called an 'app.'" "Well actually, 'app' is short for 'software application,' which— where are you going?"
People who methodically type "3-0" seconds into the microwave, instead of a quick "33," cannot compete in today's cutthroat global economy.
Feeling good today. Upbeat. It's a screwed-up world, but maybe we'll all be OK— Wait. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is on TV. Yeah, never mind.
Wow Germany scored a touchdown?
“What the… Wait a second.” <blink> “This is soccer.” “We’ve been watching _soccer_?” - Americans
Facebook sends me a birthday notification-- in 2009: "Oh no, I forgot to get a card." in 2014: "Oh no, I forgot who that person is."
A "great football game" doesn't end in a tie, it ends when you get your ass back on the field until someone loses yes I'm American shut up.
Me: "There's nothing wrong with the Earth that a mass extinction of our species couldn't fix." Sidewalk Greenpeace clipboard person: "…"
($16 billion) = (Annual worldwide budget of the U.S. Department of State) = (Beats Music + LA Clippers + Tumblr + WhatsApp)
In ancient China, "May you live in boring times" must've been one of the nicest things you could say to someone.
Hotels expect you to remember to bring your own toothpaste, yet they always have free skin lotion. So I've got smooth and silky teeth today.
"You should try the extra-slim shirt size," the saleslady said, and what 43-yr-old man would contradict her? Anyway, totally can't breathe.
Those people who insist on wearing their corporate/government photo IDs on lanyards all day long. Why are we letting them past security?
Our pets see us turn lights on. We make food appear. Do they think we did winter? They must be all, "I love you, but that cold shit sucked."
Bag of chips from the Asian store had a little packet that said "Do No Teat." That's some weird unsolicited advice. Tasted terrible, too.
Saw a guy enter the passcode on his phone and, like Benedict Cumberbatch in “Sherlock,” I now know his birthday is November 11.
Wait, I’m not ready to start pretending I’ve read the Thomas Piketty book, I haven’t finished pretending I’ve read the Michael Lewis book.
Thanks to Pharrell Williams’ “Happy,” I know exactly what the inside of my head will sound like at the very moment I lose my mind.
Why did I just check my mobile phone for no reason? This is exactly what the people on the internet say I’m not supposed to do.
Glad I can't read minds. I'd hate to hear this guy I just saw think, "I look great in this baseball cap with an 'Under Armour' logo on it."
So when there's a tip jar at a place that sells you an empty coffee cup to fill yourself, is it proper to leave wool or cotton pocket lint?
"How would you rate your childhood: ☆☆☆☆☆" "Would you recommend your parents to a friend? ❑Y ❑N" My "Psychiatrist" app idea needs work.
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