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Activity for a February Thursday: count how many seconds of staring at a blank .docx file before your pulse syncs with the blinking cursor.
Unlike M.I.A., I can't flip off 150 million people at once. But with Twitter, I can flip off 9,000 people and a few hundred spambots.
Jay Leno truly represents everything that's wrong with America. There should be an "Occupy Jay Leno." Except, yecch.
I have a "universal" remote, but I don't see the point, really. Even at the speed of light it'd take 6 hours to change the channel on Pluto.
TGIF, everyone. TAIF to my Muslim followers. TZIF to my ancient Greek followers.
Me: "Did you bring a buttfor?" 7-year-old: "A what?" Me: "A buttfor." 7-y-o: "What's a buttfor?" … Ah, it's good to have a 7-year-old.
The Republican presidential race is like a reality show where I don't like any of the characters. I mean, it's like a reality show.
Bad: seeing a photo of a smiling Newt Gingrich in your browser window. Worse: that browser isn't Netscape for Windows 95.
I just saw a lot of old people stand up and sit down while being urged to do things they'll never actually do. Like them, I need Advil now.
The government won't let me build an addition on my house because some Moderate Republicans live in the area. Stupid Endangered Species Act.
I wasn't paying close attention to what my wife had on the TV tonight. But it sounded like the Dowager Countess sacked Eli Manning 3 times.
They call it "Us" magazine, but I don't see any articles about the people who make the magazine. They should call it "Them" magazine.
The worst part of working for the Koch brothers has to be when they ruin your life and give your job to Eddie Murphy for a $1 bet.
❚❚❚ ❚❚❚❚❚ ❚❚❚❚ ❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚ ❚❚ ❚❚❚❚❚❚ ❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚ ❚❚❚❚❚ ❚❚❚ ❚❚❚❚❚❚❚ oh shit, that was yesterday, wasn't it. Sorry.
"Stay home," the doctor said. "You can give strep to other people." So, I have the lamest superpower ever. (Evildoers have penicillin too.)
That last tweet was insensitive. There's nothing inherently gay about the names "Dancer" or "Prancer." Or "Rick Perry," for that matter.
Thanks to the North Pole's enlightened social policies, Dancer and Prancer are married now. And Blitzen is in taxpayer-funded rehab. Again.
Can't surprise my wife with a Lexus this year, but I've almost trained the cats to stop gnawing off their giant red bows.
As everyone knows, a "Glaswegian" is a person from Glasgow. Similarly, a "Norwegian" is a person from Norgow.
Hey @newyorker, when does @badbanana finally get a "Shouts and Murmurs" slot? - http://t.co/Si8H1TLv
School of Seven Bells: "The Night" - http://t.co/SxNiopOT
Hey radio station that's played only Christmas songs since November: do you take requests? How about "Helter Skelter?" Just a thought.
Not in the USA? Try this: Follow every big corporation "promoted" on your Twitter. Now read your feed. That's what it feels like to be here.
Other ways to read this feed:
