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Feeling good today. Upbeat. It's a screwed-up world, but maybe we'll all be OK— Wait. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is on TV. Yeah, never mind.
Wow Germany scored a touchdown?
“What the… Wait a second.” <blink> “This is soccer.” “We’ve been watching _soccer_?” - Americans
Facebook sends me a birthday notification-- in 2009: "Oh no, I forgot to get a card." in 2014: "Oh no, I forgot who that person is."
A "great football game" doesn't end in a tie, it ends when you get your ass back on the field until someone loses yes I'm American shut up.
Me: "There's nothing wrong with the Earth that a mass extinction of our species couldn't fix." Sidewalk Greenpeace clipboard person: "…"
($16 billion) = (Annual worldwide budget of the U.S. Department of State) = (Beats Music + LA Clippers + Tumblr + WhatsApp)
In ancient China, "May you live in boring times" must've been one of the nicest things you could say to someone.
Hotels expect you to remember to bring your own toothpaste, yet they always have free skin lotion. So I've got smooth and silky teeth today.
"You should try the extra-slim shirt size," the saleslady said, and what 43-yr-old man would contradict her? Anyway, totally can't breathe.
Those people who insist on wearing their corporate/government photo IDs on lanyards all day long. Why are we letting them past security?
Our pets see us turn lights on. We make food appear. Do they think we did winter? They must be all, "I love you, but that cold shit sucked."
Bag of chips from the Asian store had a little packet that said "Do No Teat." That's some weird unsolicited advice. Tasted terrible, too.
Saw a guy enter the passcode on his phone and, like Benedict Cumberbatch in “Sherlock,” I now know his birthday is November 11.
Wait, I’m not ready to start pretending I’ve read the Thomas Piketty book, I haven’t finished pretending I’ve read the Michael Lewis book.
Thanks to Pharrell Williams’ “Happy,” I know exactly what the inside of my head will sound like at the very moment I lose my mind.
Why did I just check my mobile phone for no reason? This is exactly what the people on the internet say I’m not supposed to do.
Glad I can't read minds. I'd hate to hear this guy I just saw think, "I look great in this baseball cap with an 'Under Armour' logo on it."
So when there's a tip jar at a place that sells you an empty coffee cup to fill yourself, is it proper to leave wool or cotton pocket lint?
"How would you rate your childhood: ☆☆☆☆☆" "Would you recommend your parents to a friend? ❑Y ❑N" My "Psychiatrist" app idea needs work.
The National has the same effect on my 9-year-old that Katy Perry has on me. This long car trip has settled into a bitter stalemate.
Are you being insensitive if you go to Pilates class on Good Friday?
After the Passover thing, Moses' people wandered the desert 40 years, searching for a "land of milk and honey." They really liked smoothies.
"Follow These 10 Simple Commandments To Unlock Your Self-Discipline and Unleash Your Creativity" - Book of Exodus, Clickbait Version
I made minor progress on 8 different overdue projects, yet each one got more complicated. So my workday was a “Game of Thrones” book.
Kill a nation's firstborn sons in 1 night, good. Eat bread with yeast in it, bad. Got it. Next up: resurrect a dead savior, color some eggs.
Monday, and already tired. I could use a “mental health day.” Or as people in 1950 might’ve called it, a “day.”
We’re getting a $7,000 refund. I didn’t even know there _was_ a Lego credit. Letting my 9-year-old do our taxes was a brilliant idea.
Change all my passwords? I've got so much online crap, it'd be easier to change my whole identity. I could be "Prince." Or "Rupert Murdoch."
Too bad "Trader" Joe's doesn't really work on the barter system. I'd have a lot fewer old MP3 players, and a lot more vile $4 wine.
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