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Adam Isacson
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Another kind of "Sequestration" is when you live in Washington and you want to avoid lobbyists and ideologues, so you lock yourself indoors.
March 2
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When someone leaves a receipt at the ATM, I confess I always look at their bank balance. I can’t be the only one.
February 27
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Asked why he put horsemeat in the Swedish meatballs, IKEA’s chef grew flustered, put his hat in the Cuisinart, and said, “Bork bork bork.”
February 25
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I have jury duty today. They're going to pick 12 people at random. And all of them will be funnier than Seth MacFarlane.
February 25
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Seth MacFarlane happens into a trove of jokes the Farrelly brothers rejected in 1997, and the rest is Oscar history.
February 24
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Had a nightmare last night. Coffee was declared illegal and I couldn’t get any. What I don’t understand is how I woke up at the end.
February 22
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Today, if anybody says to you, "Actually, it was a _meteorite_," then they've just told you everything you need to know about them.
February 15
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If the year is "Doolittle," February is "Crackity Jones." (Hint: use Pixies references to reach that elusive "Gen X" 40something vertical.)
February 15
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A winged baby who shoots love arrows is no less disturbing than a horned kitten who pilots love drones from his undisclosed base in Nevada.
February 14
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American Airlines and US Airways are merging. Because one company can disrespect us, fleece workers, and lose money better than two I guess.
February 13
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I watched Sen. Rubio's SOTU response and am now lunging awkwardly for some Scotch.
February 12
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Retirees whom I’ll miss, from most to least: 1. Chipper Jones 2. Hillary Clinton 3. Brenda in Accounts Payable 4. Ray Lewis 5. Benedict XVI
February 11
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It's OK, America. Lots of places lose power during their nationally televised showcase events. Kabul, Mogadishu, Pyongyang… lots of places.
February 3
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Keeping electric power running during a major sporting event isn't easy. For one thing, you have to have a functioning civilization.
February 3
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Heartbroken to learn Pres. Obama shoots skeet. As a child, I had a pet skeet. "Clayboy" and I were inseparable. Childhood was a lonely time.
February 2
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I’ll know the culture has finally passed me by when I hear “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” in a dandruff shampoo ad. Probably won't be long now.
January 27
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January 27
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The city salted the crap out of the road by the reservoir. Take a shower, you smell like the beach. But the coffee tastes like Sea Monkeys.™
January 26
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Like 5th century Europe, high school has Goths, Vandals, Franks and Scots (or guys named Frank and Scot). And it also sucks to be there.
January 25
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The whole city reeks of poutine. Stupid “Canadian air mass.”
January 24
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Best thing about these sub-20 temperatures is sticking small children to the ceiling with static electricity. Oops, one fell BRB.
January 23
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In Beyoncé’s defense, I’ve been lip-synching my tweets since 2008.
January 23
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January 22
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Culinary tip: if you’re out of baking soda, substituting with a teaspoon of “Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer” is not recommended.
January 20
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January 1
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Had the dream again where I'm on my deathbed, loved ones gathered, and my last words to them are "I wish I'd spent more time on Facebook."
November 30
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I'm in a hotel room in south Texas. It's quiet here. Dark, too. The door locks with a card key, so Anton Chigurh can't blow it open, right?
November 27
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If I were a news anchor on Al-Jazeera, every night I’d sign off with, “I’m Adam Isacson and Al-Jazee’ya tomorrow.”
November 26
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If I were a news anchor on Al-Jazeera, every night I’d sign off with, “I’m Adam Isacson and Al-Jazzee’ya tomorrow.”
November 26
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Skipped my afternoon coffee. Now, hours later, gravity feels way stronger. Like Jupiter. Conclusion: my coffee intake affects Earth's mass.
November 24
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