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Glad I can't read minds. I'd hate to hear this guy I just saw think, "I look great in this baseball cap with an 'Under Armour' logo on it."
So when there's a tip jar at a place that sells you an empty coffee cup to fill yourself, is it proper to leave wool or cotton pocket lint?
"How would you rate your childhood: ☆☆☆☆☆" "Would you recommend your parents to a friend? ❑Y ❑N" My "Psychiatrist" app idea needs work.
The National has the same effect on my 9-year-old that Katy Perry has on me. This long car trip has settled into a bitter stalemate.
Are you being insensitive if you go to Pilates class on Good Friday?
After the Passover thing, Moses' people wandered the desert 40 years, searching for a "land of milk and honey." They really liked smoothies.
"Follow These 10 Simple Commandments To Unlock Your Self-Discipline and Unleash Your Creativity" - Book of Exodus, Clickbait Version
I made minor progress on 8 different overdue projects, yet each one got more complicated. So my workday was a “Game of Thrones” book.
Kill a nation's firstborn sons in 1 night, good. Eat bread with yeast in it, bad. Got it. Next up: resurrect a dead savior, color some eggs.
Monday, and already tired. I could use a “mental health day.” Or as people in 1950 might’ve called it, a “day.”
We’re getting a $7,000 refund. I didn’t even know there _was_ a Lego credit. Letting my 9-year-old do our taxes was a brilliant idea.
Change all my passwords? I've got so much online crap, it'd be easier to change my whole identity. I could be "Prince." Or "Rupert Murdoch."
Too bad "Trader" Joe's doesn't really work on the barter system. I'd have a lot fewer old MP3 players, and a lot more vile $4 wine.
I can’t help it. Whenever a record review calls someone an “electronic music artist,” my brain starts playing the opening bars of “Axel F.”
No more Windows XP support? Does this mean no more church newsletters, PTA updates, or whatever our government makes (PowerPoint, I guess)?
"We're Going Green," my power company says. They want to email my bill instead of mailing it. Wow, it feels cooler outside. That was quick.
I've got nothing to say, but I have 5 bars of LTE and 80% battery at the same time, and who knows when that'll ever happen again, so "Hi."
Content is important. But if a magazine is too wide for that stacking space between the seat and the bathroom wall, will anyone read it?
When my phone is missing, I dial it and it makes noise. Hey, remote control manufacturers: “When my phone is missing, _it makes noise_.”
A guy I know once read Upworthy while watching the "Today" show. Now he smiles a lot, and barks happily during radio ads for auto dealers.
"I drink imported Mexican Coke because it has real sugar not high fructose blah blah." Did I ask for a nutrition lecture, Mr. Food Pyramid?
Maybe Vladimir Putin's problem is that his surname is French for "prostitute" or "fries with cheese curds." Or English for "insert."
They’ve posted some great infographics about dyslexia over at fiveeightythree-dot-com.
Cat Power – Nothin But Time -
LCD Soundsystem – Us v Them -
Class Actress – Weekend -
Chiddy Bang – Ray Charles -
JEFF the Brotherhood – Country Life -
Cloud Nothings – Cut You -
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