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When someone leaves a receipt at the ATM, I confess I always look at their bank balance. I can’t be the only one.
Asked why he put horsemeat in the Swedish meatballs, IKEA’s chef grew flustered, put his hat in the Cuisinart, and said, “Bork bork bork.”
I have jury duty today. They're going to pick 12 people at random. And all of them will be funnier than Seth MacFarlane.
Seth MacFarlane happens into a trove of jokes the Farrelly brothers rejected in 1997, and the rest is Oscar history.
Had a nightmare last night. Coffee was declared illegal and I couldn’t get any. What I don’t understand is how I woke up at the end.
Today, if anybody says to you, "Actually, it was a _meteorite_," then they've just told you everything you need to know about them.
If the year is "Doolittle," February is "Crackity Jones." (Hint: use Pixies references to reach that elusive "Gen X" 40something vertical.)
A winged baby who shoots love arrows is no less disturbing than a horned kitten who pilots love drones from his undisclosed base in Nevada.
American Airlines and US Airways are merging. Because one company can disrespect us, fleece workers, and lose money better than two I guess.
I watched Sen. Rubio's SOTU response and am now lunging awkwardly for some Scotch.
Retirees whom I’ll miss, from most to least: 1. Chipper Jones 2. Hillary Clinton 3. Brenda in Accounts Payable 4. Ray Lewis 5. Benedict XVI
It's OK, America. Lots of places lose power during their nationally televised showcase events. Kabul, Mogadishu, Pyongyang… lots of places.
Keeping electric power running during a major sporting event isn't easy. For one thing, you have to have a functioning civilization.
Heartbroken to learn Pres. Obama shoots skeet. As a child, I had a pet skeet. "Clayboy" and I were inseparable. Childhood was a lonely time.
I’ll know the culture has finally passed me by when I hear “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” in a dandruff shampoo ad. Probably won't be long now.
The city salted the crap out of the road by the reservoir. Take a shower, you smell like the beach. But the coffee tastes like Sea Monkeys.™
Like 5th century Europe, high school has Goths, Vandals, Franks and Scots (or guys named Frank and Scot). And it also sucks to be there.
The whole city reeks of poutine. Stupid “Canadian air mass.”
Best thing about these sub-20 temperatures is sticking small children to the ceiling with static electricity. Oops, one fell BRB.
In Beyoncé’s defense, I’ve been lip-synching my tweets since 2008.
Culinary tip: if you’re out of baking soda, substituting with a teaspoon of “Arm & Hammer Cat Litter Deodorizer” is not recommended.
Had the dream again where I'm on my deathbed, loved ones gathered, and my last words to them are "I wish I'd spent more time on Facebook."
I'm in a hotel room in south Texas. It's quiet here. Dark, too. The door locks with a card key, so Anton Chigurh can't blow it open, right?
If I were a news anchor on Al-Jazeera, every night I’d sign off with, “I’m Adam Isacson and Al-Jazee’ya tomorrow.”
If I were a news anchor on Al-Jazeera, every night I’d sign off with, “I’m Adam Isacson and Al-Jazzee’ya tomorrow.”
Skipped my afternoon coffee. Now, hours later, gravity feels way stronger. Like Jupiter. Conclusion: my coffee intake affects Earth's mass.
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