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Mos Def is 36 today. Nice nickname, but his mom will only call him by his proper name - Most Definitely.
Me: You find parenting easy? Wife: Like sticking candy to a baby.
How embarrassing. Misread the key party invite and now I'm the only one here wearing my birthday suet.
Me: What do you think my spirit animal is? Wife: Probably the weakest of the spirit Garanimals.
Saw 2012 at the Mall of America. Immediately afterward I saw its scarier sequel: The Mall of America.
Makes sense to call it a food court because that burrito just divorced my ass.
Super Walmart - where convenience meets OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT BABY CHUGGING RED BULL?!?
Yearly physical. I don't mind the prostate check so much, but I hate that my doctor insists on taking me out for dinner first.
I just got caught using the baby as a napkin. Thankfully, I wasn't caught earlier using her as a fork.
Episode 15 of Monkey Inquisition! www.monkeyinquisition.com. @melissasantos considers going off the grid.
To learn from my mistakes, I shall teach the kids to store spare toilet paper within reach of the bowl. Soon as I get outta here.
They say God will help you move mountains, but he won't do shit for bowels.
I can't believe this restaurant has an unattended baby check. Oh, look! Scones!
Flying home. Hope the baggage handlers go easy on the bag we used to pack the baby. It's alligator and very expensive.
I've met no omelet station that I could not tame. I am the Brunch Whisperer.
I have failed parenting. My daughter is in love with a Jonas brother. The ugly one.
20-year high school reunion with @jonathancoulton. He's serenading a drunk girl and clueless that I'm about to pants him.
Keith Pelczarski liked this
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