niniane

hmm- have you ever been a dumpee rather than the dumper? theres something to be said about white lies - viki saigal

I rather be lied to :) - Michael

I think sometimes the lie is more for the teller than the hearer. Would "Fernando" have been surprised to learn that Melody felt that strongly about those things? I'd rather know the truth so I can decide whether to do something about it or not. - Daniel Dulitz

Unless Fernando dumber than a stone, he knew he was being lied to. It's hard to see any point in lying if you're somehow that bad at it. (Or maybe niniane was exaggerating the lameness of the lie for comic effect?) - j1m

Dumping can probably also be a last resort if all previous means of communicating the issue failed because the dumpee-to-be wasn't listening. - Philipp Lenssen

I don't think saying "I don't date fat people" is all that respectable either, but that's just me. In a way, hearing "you're too fat" would actually be great because then I'd know that the person who dumped me was in fact too shallow for me. But that requires a certain politics of body image and self-esteem. - Lilly Irani

@Lilly: That's exactly what I mean about the lie being more for the teller. - Daniel Dulitz

The truth can be very uncomfortable. People generally prefer denial. - Paul Buchheit

What if you ended relationships in whatever way felt 'right' but then agreed to exit interviews with an unaffiliated third party, so each side could have notes for improvement/reflection. - Kevin Fox

I have to agree with Philipp, they were not not open in their communication to one another ..but good communication from both partners is needed. - Peter Dawson

The times I actually heard some variant of, "you're too fat" in my dating life, it didn't come off as shallow. I am, in fact, fat, though, and it was usually from boys who legitimately liked me, but just couldn't get past my girth. Truth is important in the negotiation and preservation of a relationship. I don't know if a breakup is the place for "honesty" though, because each person is at a different place in how dead the relationship is and I've found truth at that point to be very subjective. - Clare Dibble

@Kevin I think you're on to something... - Udi

Is the truth all that well-defined or all that useful in this sort of situation? I feel like I have a difficult time even knowing *what* I feel sometimes, much less *why* I feel that way. (Maybe I'm just out of touch with my feelings and emotionally unavailable or something =P) On the other hand, I couldn't imagine telling a girl that she was too fat or not attractive enough even if I did feel that way. (Does feeling that way make me shallow? Is that really just a result of body image politics?) - Jim Norris

There are several comments about not liking fat people, and that being shallow, but I think the fact is, for a relationship to work, there must be physical attraction. I happen to be attracted to larger women. Does that make me less shallow? On the other hand, I am totally turned off by people I view as being not very intelligent, especially people who write LOL in the wrong context. - Robert Felty

lol: or the wrong case - j1m

As far as relationships, I've always been the dumped (not as bad as it sounds because I've only had 2 relationships...and that IS as bad as it sounds). In situations of turning down someone, I try to be politely honest. And I came to that after having been painfully bullshitted by cowards any number of times. Yet I've met people who would have preferred being lied to or getting a runaround. I've learned that The Golden Rule is flawed because not everyone likes to be treated the same way you prefer. - Spidra Webster

In the usual spirit of "solutions should always accompany criticisms", the reason "you're too fat" is harsh. Dumping should probably pass the "it's ok to white lie" test. If it was any sort of relationship at all the dumpee already knows the reason... - Steve Lacey

do people really break up because someone gains a little weight? how shallow! - Adam Sweet

I like the "exit interview" idea. - niniane

I dislike how it's considered "shallow" (in a negative way) to reject someone because you are not attracted to them. When it comes down to it, we all want to date someone attractive. Why don't we just admit it? Yes, inner beauty is important, but what we really want is someone who's attractive *and* has inner beauty. Sometimes we're forced to compromise if we can't have both. But let's admit that, instead of pretending that physical attraction is so much less respectable than intellectual attraction. - niniane

It's too bad we use the term 'dump' in regards to ending relationships. It rewards the first one who verbalizes a desire to get out of a relationship. Usually a series of events led to the breakup, and along the way, each person probably shares the blame for a failed relationship. - Chris White

I think somewhere along the line, evaluating people only based on their physical attractiveness (which is "shallow" even though it may not be "bad") got confused with taking physical attractiveness into account. I need to be with someone attractive. I have my own definition of that which occasionally confuses the people around me into thinking I don't take physical attractiveness into account. :-) - Daniel Dulitz