Erik Deckers › Comments

From the page: "I hate it when people bleep themselves. No, I'm not bleeping out a bad word. I mean, I really don't like it when people say "bleep." As in "what the bleep is wrong with you?!" (If I actually had to use a bad word, I would write %#@!, which is called a "grawlix" by cartoonists.) Don't say "bleep." It makes you sound five, or like you're trying to be funny with a really old joke, like "let there be light!" whenever you flip a light switch. If you want to say a curse word, just say the damn word. If you don't want to say the word, then say another freakin' word. Say "dang," "darn," "golly," or "goldurn." Just don't bleep yourself." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Ever since I was a small boy, I've always had strong feelings when it comes to scary movies. I hate them. They scare the bejeezus out of me. Whenever I make the stupid mistake of watching one, I have nightmares, I jump at strange sounds, and all the monsters -- including the shark from "Jaws" -- are waiting for me under my bed. It doesn't matter whether I'm at home (the monsters are in my closet), at a friend's house (they're in his closet), or at the movie theater (they're hiding in the popcorn). " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Sesame Street, the show that's responsible for nearly every American under 45 learning to read, is celebrating its 40th year in production. It's a milestone so popular that Google has been running cute little graphics celebrating it. It's also no surprise that the Nanny State won't air the program, believing it to be outdated, not very competitive in the pre-school market, and that puppets are just out of date, said an article on the BBC website." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "The Biggus Dickus scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian. One of my favorite scenes â€" although not my absolute favorite â€" from one of my most favorite movies ever." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Several years ago, I was driving in downtown Mishawaka, Indiana with my wife, sitting behind a car at a stoplight. The two passengers in the car started hassling a teenager who was walking on the sidewalk, because he held his arms wide and shouted, "you want a piece of me? You want a piece of me?!" Because he was glaring at those people so intently, he completely missed the lamppost until he ran face first into it." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "I'm a big supporter of civil rights and personal liberties. In this country, we're all guaranteed certain inalienable rights, and are allowed certain dignities, even when facing criminal charges. For example, if you're accused of a crime, you have a right to not have your name dragged through the mud during the investigation. Of course, if you're found guilty, all bets are off. Let the name dragging begin. But until then, people deserve the whole "innocent until proven guilty" benefit of the doubt." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "As a self-proclaimed Know-It-All, I am in the enviable position of being able to demonstrate my vast knowledge on a wide array of topics, like how Benjamin Frankton invented the kite, or how Ora and Wilfred Right were the first to fly an airplane across the Pacific Ocean to France. And people enjoy hearing about these important facts. Oh sure, they may pretend to not be interested. But their eye rolling and shouts of "Would you just shut up?!" are really just good-natured jokes. I think they really appreciate it when I continue to lecture on about important fact that pops into my mind, like how Sir Isaac Newton invented the Apple computer. " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Animal rights joke organization PETA wants the Wildlife Safari in Oregon to stop using elephants to wash cars. The group â€" which is also widely known for killing pets at its Norfolk, Virginia animal shelter â€" thinks the elephant carwash is "a gimmick that does nothing to foster respect for endangered species." Gimmick? A gimmick?!" - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Ever wondered what Peyton Manning shouts at the line of scrimmage? ESPN gives us a look at what goes through the mind of the QB genius." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "I recently read a column by fellow humor columnist, Jenny Isenman, about one of her most humiliating experiences as a young girl. Since she doesn't have the global reach I do, I thought I would relate the story for her. During a skating party in 1984, little Jenny was rolling around the rink during a Girls Skate, leg warmers pulled up over her jeans â€" no, that's not the most humiliating part. I know, that surprised me too! â€" when she tried to slap hands with an older boy. Apparently this was a signal. During a Girls Skate, they would slap the outstretched hands of the boys they wanted to Couples Skate with. The boys would stand along the side and stretch out their hands to the girls they wanted to skate with, while the girls hoped the boys they liked had their hands out. It was an exercise of mutually assured destruction in the self-esteem department." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "British police, the enforcement arm of the Nanny State, are now victims of the Nanny State. They have been told not to use certain everyday phrases, because they could cause confusion for some. An article in the (London) Daily Mail says the Warwickshire Police handbook, Policing Our Communities, says the phrase "Evenin' All" could confuse people from different cultural backgrounds. "Don't assume those words for the time of day, such as afternoon or evening, have the same meaning," says the handbook." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Not only are the bureaucrats stupid in England, it appears the landscaping people are not much better off. At least that's what we're led to believe. That's because the staff at Gorstage Cemetery in Weverham, Cheshire told Stanley Brown he could not put more than one bunch of flowers on his wife's grave, because they're obstructions. Staff told Stanley that the flowers kept the landscapers from cutting the grass, and might cause them to trip." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "If you've ever seen any of the Disney/Pixar movies, you've seen the intro with the lamp that just stomps the bejeezus out of the letter 'I' in Pixar. But do you know what really happened?" - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Tiana Rapp, a senior at Newfield High School in Long Island, had lost $190 in theft from her locker on two different occasions. After complaining to the high school administration, who believed it was a student, and said they couldn't do anything. So Rapp took matters into her own hands. She and a classmate put a video camera in another locker and pointed it at her own. That's when they caught Linda Cubano, an adult hall monitor, opening Rapp's locker and searching through her purse." - Erik Deckers

From the page: ""Okay kids, sit down. It's family night. We're going to play a game. " "Sweetie, come back here." "No, we're not watching a movie tonight." "No, we're not watching TV either. We're going to play a game." "Not a video game, Buddy." "No, Honey, we're not playing a computer game." "Yes, I'll tell them. You need to respect the process. I'm trying to build suspense." "Fine. We're playing Uno." " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "My favorite line in the whole clip? "Gay people aren't vampires. They show up on camera."" - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Regular readers of former Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko will remember Slats Grobnik, a curmudgeonly character who espoused less-than-popular views on certain controversial issues. These views were somewhat, but not too far, out in left or right field, depending on which side Grobnik supported. He gave voice to the viewpoints you secretly agreed with, but knew better than to espouse in polite company. Like non-smokers who secretly believe militant anti-smokers are taking things a bit too far. Democrats who think the Teachers' Union is whiny. Republicans who think Big Oil is greedy. Barry Bonds haters who still watch every pitch so they can see history being made. Speaking of sports, sports writer and pencil mustache aficionado Frank Deford has his own sports curmudgeon called â€" what else? â€" The Sports Curmudgeon. This curmudgeon will growl and gnash his teeth about his less-than-popular views about the sports world that would otherwise generate a lot of... - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Zach Cameron is in for it now. The 15-year-old British schoolboy was fingerprinted and forced to give a DNA sample for assault. Assault with ketchup. According to an article in the Daily Sun (official motto: "More boobs than the Times, Mail, and Express combined!"), Zach was out with the daughter of his pastor, when a 14-year-old girl was making "nasty" comments about the daughter. So he took matters into his own hands, and lobbed a small container of ketchup at the girl." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "The British Broadcasting Corporation, the world's most trusted source to not jack around with the news is now facing some controversy after jacking around with Humpty Dumpty. They changed the end of the nursery rhyme for the CBeebies channel so it said all the King's horses "made Humpty happy again."" - Erik Deckers

From the page: "From Al "I invented cable TV too" Gore's Current cable station, the same forward thinking progressives that brought us Sarah Haskins (Target Women), Brian Safi produces the "That's Gay" segment on Current. A few weeks ago, he showed us the difference between straight versus gay commercials on regular TV stations versus LOGO and the other LOGO Bravo. And he's nearly as funny as Sarah Haskins. " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Every kid should learn to play a musical instrument. I realize that's difficult, with all the education funding being viciously slashed by nearly every state in an effort to improve their students' abilities to take standardized tests. However, if we're not careful, this next generation of students will become musical illiterates. " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "And the food related assault epidemic continues to grow. In fact, if it wasn't for an attack in Iowa this past July, all the attacks would have been in Florida. This time, it was in Hernando Beach, Florida, where a South Carolina teen was arrested for hurling a deadly missile at a moving vehicle. A burrito." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Believe it or not, I wasn't always the suave, sophisticated, debonair guy I am now. So it's not too surprising that I never dated much in high school. It wasn't for lack of interest or even lack of trying. Believe me, I was very interested. And I tried as much, if not more, than any normal teenage boy did at that age. I just didn't know the appropriate way to go about it. That, and I was a bit of a geek back then." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Zachary Christie, a 6-year-old Newark, Delaware boy, was excited about joining the Cub Scouts. So excited that he brought a camping utensil â€" a knife, fork, spoon three-in-one combo â€" to school to use at lunch. Under the school's Zero Sense Zero Tolerance policy, Zachary's tool qualifies as a weapon, and so he was suspended, and may have to spend 45 days in the Newark's reform school, said a story in the New York Times, " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Kudos to mystery-thriller writer Brad Meltzer for having a positive outlook on the bad reviews he's gotten from the various failed authors book reviewers, panning his New York Times best-selling books (official motto: suck on THAT, haters!) Brad produced this video, having kids from the Little League team he coaches, plus residents from his grandmother's nursing home read the high points from his reviews." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "England is often called the Nanny State because of the short-sighted, often inane decisions they make under the guise of "health and safety." So, it should come as no surprise that someone decided to make some money off this reputation, as well as rub the country's nose in it. Scottish brewer, BrewDog, was recently criticized and branded as irresponsible for making a limited edition beer called "Tokyo," which has an 18.2% alcohol content, making it the strongest alcohol in all of Great Britain. " - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Some days I hate being a writer. Days like today. Not one of those "oh crap it's two hours before deadline, and I don't have a topic" day. That's the story of my nearly-ten more than 15 (updated for 2009 -- Erik) year writing career. It's also how I got through college. No, I mean the days where I get an overwhelming sense of writer's block. Only it's not writer's block. Writer's block is where a writer can't think of anything to write. They are literally stuck for an idea. Entire books have been written about overcoming writer's block. But that's not what I have. I have Writer's Overflow." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Conor Smith of Eagan, Minnesota beat the odds, and beat cancer two years ago. Twice. Despite his victory over both a brain tumor and Leukemia, Conor was cut from the "C" team of the Eagan Traveling Basketball league, the lowest team in the league." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "Tesco's, the store Britons seem to love to hate, is back in the news again. The giant supermarket recently asked 21-year-old Emma Sheppard for ID when she was trying to buy a 5-pack of teaspoons. She was then wrestled to the ground by agents from MI-5 who were assigned to anti-terrorism duties in British supermarkets. Unfortunately, only one of those things is not true." - Erik Deckers

From the page: "I had a tough time deciding last week whether this scene or the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail was my favorite. I'm still not entirely sure, but both of these are my two all-time favorite comedy scenes from any movie, and they're the ones that made me a Python fan." - Erik Deckers