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April Buchheit
Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave | The Onion - America's Finest News Source - http://www.theonion.com/article...
Planet Earth Doesn't Know How To Make It Any Clearer It Wants Everyone To Leave | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"At this point, I think I've stated my wishes quite loudly and clearly," the Earth's statement to all of humanity read in part. "I haven't exactly been subtle about it, you realize. I have literally tried to drown you, crush you, starve you, dehydrate you, pump you full of diseases, and suck your homes and families into swirling vortices of death. Honestly, what more is it going to take for you people to get the message?""Do I have to spell it out for you?" the statement continued. "Get the fuck out of here. I want you to leave now." - April Buchheit from Bookmarklet
"In a sharp rebuke to both the planet and the mainstream scientific community, Republican leaders in Congress responded this week with a scathing critique of what they deemed to be the Earth's "pathetic and extremist viewpoints." "What we're seeing here is the same old scientific mumbo jumbo and partisan rhetoric that the Earth has been spewing out for millennia," Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) said. "We're not going to be bullied by a celestial body that has time and again failed to deliver on its promise to glorify and reward mankind with its bounty." Immediately following these statements from the human race, the Earth emitted a loud sigh, which shifted multiple tectonic plates and caused massive earthquakes on five continents." - April Buchheit
Earth: "GTFO!" - April Buchheit
Humans (while texting and driving their SUV): "Do what now?" - April Buchheit