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Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.
Overheard @ the VA hospital: It's actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.
Batman's Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights.Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I'm doing at life
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you're a jerk and I'm stupid
I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
It's going to be so disappointing if we ask aliens about crop circles and they say "We hate corn."
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"
Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not...
Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around
If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I'd say, "Contact Him" while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.
When someone tells u about their favorite animal - "I'd eat one" is not the right response.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. - bob marley
Rather than buy a gun, I've been studying "Home Alone" and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.
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