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Suffering Xmas crowds at Trafford Centre. I swear if I hear 'Jingle Bell Rock' once more, my brains will transmogrify into festive nog.
In decoy manouver of utmost brilliance, I have distracted fiancee from Xmas present purchase outing by telling her that I'm going whoring.
Thanks to everyone who got in touch to express their concern, but for the record, I am no longer encased in a big wobbly jelly.
Added too much novelty wobble mix to bath and am now trapped inside a massive jelly. Hoping to escape before onset of fossilisation. HELP!
Ella's Show Reel - http://www.youtube.com/watch...
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Colonic irrigation now over and I've handed over £58.75 for the 'pleasure'. Second time I've been shafted in the last 60 minutes!
Convinced I just saw a £2 coin floating down the colonic tube. One can only assume that this is my dinner money.
And here comes the coffee enema... I am now, quite literally, full of beans!
At the colonic irrigation practitioner. She is brandishing plastic tubing and KY Jell... AAAARGH! SWEET JESUS!
Colonic practitioner commenting on my 'furrowed brow' and asking if I suffer from stress. Nothing to do with the pipe up my arse then?!
Over shock of having colonic tube inserted up arse. Now watching contents of stomach go past like some sort of scatalogical Generation Game!
Nearly at the end of my colonic irrigation session. The muscles in my jaw are in agony from clenching my teeth for so long.
Fiancée called me from beauty salon to tell me of their '3 for 2' eyebrow waxing offer. Forgive me for stating the bleedin' obvious, but...
Hoping my shivers are those of excitement for tonight's 750 sellout show at the British Library and not related to my chronic influenza.
Posed for photo with horse, but it side-snacked my arm and now my bicep has goofy, yet painful horse teeth marks in it.
Being sat constantly downwind of a horses bottom is somewhat curtailing my enjoyment of quirky Amsterdam city architecture.
Driving round the old city of Amsterdam in the back of an old horse and cart with Elvis whilst enjoying effects of large naughty cigarette.
Finished looking round Van Gogh museum. Come to the conclusion that he had a fixation with potatoes.
Still in Amsterdam. Just learned how the Van Gogh museum & the Van Koff museum cater for distinctly different clientelle demographics.
Just wandered into the gents toilets at Wasteland and there is a line of men standing at the urinals who ALL look like Right Said Fred!
Noticed that between arse powder angel wings, there is little wrinkly glitter halo. Undeniable proof of God's existence or need new jacket.
Still backstage @ Wasteland, Amsterdam. Moustachioed blond Dutchman wearing shiny black leather arseless chaps is sitting on my suit jacket.
Recovered suit jacket from arse of leather chaps man. He had powdered inside of his trousers as my jacket now has white angel wings on back.
Backstage pre-show @ 4000 capacity Wasteland, Amsterdam. Sharing dressing room with band called 'Kinky Space F*ck'. Need munchies. Pringles.
Now totally suffering from 'Amsterdam Flu'. Same symptoms as normal flu, but the hallucinatory pink elephants are somehow more terrifying.
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