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Idea: Make-A-Wish for adults, but not the ones with terminal illnesses, just those who drive minivans.
I wouldn't say my children are peaches when they wake up, more like another fruit where you die if you look at it the wrong way.
I wouldn't say my children are peaches when the wake up but more like another fruit where you die if you look at it funny.
What you didn't see before the half time show started was that entire Assyrian army walked out of Madonna's vagina. Beat that, Gaga.
Star Wars Phantom Menace in 3D: Because Jar Jar Binks wasn't annoying enough in plain old 2D.
If a polar bear has sex with both female and male bears does that make him a bi-polar bear or just selfish?
100 dollars to the first person who can get a polar bear to drink a Coke without getting themselves killed.
Bud Light's taste comes from a triple filter process, just like urine on the International Space Station.
Remember, opinions are like assholes; no one wants to hear yours tell me how to live my life. And cut back on the Mexican food.
Can't wait for Super Bowl 47 when another John Hughes film gets bastardized. The Breakfast Club eating Fiber One because they're old now.
Somedays I hand Jesus the keyboard. When the PC crashes I yell "Jesus Christ, hit ctl-alt-del", then we laugh because he only knows Aramaic.
Clarification: Pros & Cons - A list to weigh options. Prose & Cons - My new dinner theatre featuring spoken word by ex-convicts.
If you see white smoke coming from your neighbor's house, wait before calling 911, because they might just be electing a Pope.
I'm always comforted by the fact that I have the same chance of winning an Academy Award as Tom Cruise does.
Replaced a garbage disposal without making a trip to Lowes. Now I'm going to fold a fitted sheet and prepare a defense for my witch trial.
Always impressed what my 5yo does to delay bedtime, like brushing her teeth 3 times or setting the house on fire with her mind.
Before he was an actor Ronald Reagan's last name was actually PewPewPewGun. #FactsWithoutWikipedia
If I have to see We Bought A Zoo, I at least hope Mark Wahlberg is in it asking the animals to say hello to their mothers for him.
You know how I know you're North Korean? When I showed you an iPad you couldn't decide if you wanted to kill me with a rock or eat it.
You know how I know you're North Korean? You could put together a Superbowl halftime show with a deck of cards & two jackets sewn together.
It's reported that North Korea's new leader likes basketball. Which is good because many of his people consider it a delicacy.
Kim Jong-il's official biography stated that he never defecated. So I'm pretty sure we know cause of death.
With Kim Jong Il dead the next leader of North Korea will have some pretty big women's size 6 shoes to fill.
Kansas City Chiefs' fans must think the Green Bay packers are chocolatiers because they keep chanting "Go Pack Fudge".
Will the clock operator please set the game clock to three hours ago. Thank you.
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