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It's hard for anyone to take you seriously when you sound like Pete Puma.
RT @RonJeffries: My greatest invention. I offer it, free, to all humanity.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. As it turns out, absolutely everyone has a monkey story, a tale about how a monkey personally touched your life.
RT @TristanLavender: The problem with mission statements
Clinging to analog, like a frightened little monkey.
Clinging to analog.
I heard an elderly woman say "me selfie" and now I can never say "selfie" ever again. Me-Selfie.
RT @Mr_Mike_Clarke: Don't you hate it when the pattern on your top gives the illusion of a tiny man riding you like a horse. Love this!
You UpThumb things. You may not like them, but you UpThumb them.
I ran this Tweet through the Hemingway App. Not enough text. I added more. Just got a grade of 1, which means "Good".
A friend sadly announces that her beloved dog died...and 34 people "Like" this. I don't get Facebook.
4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Quit Acting | Expert Acting Advice -
When I say tarmac, people think of the airport runway. But I actually mean the driveway. I'm waiting on my tarmac.
If you want to get it done, send in a serious looking middle-aged white guy wearing a black suit and sunglasses. No questions asked. Done.
Is the future part of our history? Or do historians only concern themselves with the past?
Listening to Weird Al's "Mission Statement" as I write a new corporate "About" page. This is not ironic. It's purely coincidental. I swear.
Why do people try to make Inbox Zero sound like a major achievement? It's deleting things. A trained pigeon can do it.
"OMG, people are getting quoted out of context all over Twitter and Facebook." -unknown
Why isn't somethings a word like sometimes is?
I like Mainstream Al.
"Making the internet rounds" is the new "going viral".
I am not procrastinating. I am actively playing high-stakes chicken with my deadlines.
Crowdsourced jokes don't exactly kill, now do they? But spy organizations with no oversight? We kill! We literally do! #BETTERCIATWEETS
Lose Yourself to Spanx (Daft Punk) #RejectedWeirdAlSongs
Hey, Ma! (OutKast) #RejectedWeirdAlSongs
A school sends an irony-free form letter telling every student that they are special and unique.
I know at least 99 better things to do with a potato than to make a cold boiled salad out of it.
I judge white shirts with black buttons harshly. I also judge plaid shirts harshly. Basically, button down shirts are all on notice.
Like you, I actually know people from Cleveland who left the city to successfully find employment in another city.
I visit magazines that don't even play ads on the 'skip this ad' page. Just blank. They've given up on both readers AND advertisers.
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