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RT @JimGaffigan: To be fair it must be hard to be a flight attendant and have to ignore people all day.
RT @JimGaffigan: When are they going to come out with a Valentine’s Day condolence card? “Dear Valentine, I’m sorry I’m your Valentine.”
RT @CobraCommander: I have good scotch younger than Madonna.
RT @CobraCommander: World Peace? Not on my watch...
RT @JimGaffigan: I would be so much cooler if…ah, who am I kidding?
RT @JimGaffigan: When are they going to invent a microwave that will stir my chili? This is exhausting!
RT @alyankovic: Dixie Riddle Cups were the Twitter of 1973.
RT @JimGaffigan: Call me a lIberal but I’m starting to think honor killings are just wrong.
RT @Andy_Richter: I've asked every one of my kid's teachers whether I can start feeling ashamed of him yet and nobody'll give me a straight answer!
RT @JimGaffigan: “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
RT @JimGaffigan: Can everyone start saying salad is really bad for me so I can start craving it?
RT @SarahKSilverman: "The Bachelor" is brought to you by, helicopters!
RT @JimGaffigan: When is this society going to give some awards to actors?
RT @JimGaffigan: If God didn’t want us to eat late at night why did he make everything taste better at 1am?
RT @kevin_nealon: Why are my troubles never listed in the troubleshooting section of the manual?
RT @JimGaffigan: I look so thin in complete darkness.
the Birthday Boy is awake and eating peanut butter waffles...a treat after enduring our endless Happy Birthday singing/dancing/chanting.
RT @JimGaffigan: I’m tired of people posting when they do the most mundane things. Anyway I’m going to check my email.
RT @CobraCommander: Sometimes a man's greatest victory is finding an empty bathroom all to himself.
RT @JimGaffigan: You ever accidentally catch someone in their underwear? That's awkward. Especially if you’re holding a knife.
RT @CobraCommander: Use money you're saving from your war (that you never had to begin with) to pay off debts that have doubled since you started talking?
RT @CobraCommander: B.O. is just repeating everything he said in order to get elected in the first place, but he REALLY means it this time.
RT @JimGaffigan: My 7-month old got a first tooth like a week ago and he like never brushes it. Gross.
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