Melissa - FriendFeed

Lying in bed. Coffee isn't working. I need something stronger. More robust. Taller.

May 9 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Sorry about spewing. TL,DR version: dear mom, I miss you.

May 8 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

That thing about time healing all wounds is wrong, or maybe grief isn't a wound at all.

May 8 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

To my mom, the strongest and most vulnerable woman I've ever known. The goddess of my girlhood.

May 8 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

To my mom, who worked hard every single day of her life so that we could survive, even when that meant living in our car.

May 8 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

To my mom, who celebrated my idiosyncrasies and ignored my faults outright.

May 8 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

I'm not sexist, but the people who hold up the line fiddling with their purses even after they've paid always seem to be moms.

May 7 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Forewarned is four armed, said the paranoid octopus who lost half his tentacles in NamWHAT.

May 6 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Looks like he can't focus on what you're saying because he's trying to take your measurements for a cage under his bed? THAT guy.

May 5 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Opera News: Philip Glass on his latest work - Abbottabad and That Ain't Good. #SpecialtyMagazineCoverage

May 2 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

It's the special time in my cycle when setting my helicopter on fire after I kill people in a mansion is the sexiest plan I've ever heard.

May 2 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

BREAKING: Obama launches Operation Get Your Beach Balls Off My Fucking Lawn.

May 1 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

I can guess a lady's age and brittle disposition based on cheetah-print pedicure alone.

April 28 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Jenny R and Anika liked this

Just saw a birther use Barnum's "A sucker born every minute". Adorable much?

April 27 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

FACT: Obama is actually Australian! Soon all our crops will be vegemite! You'll be forced to name your firstborn Dundee! #perther

April 27 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

What you DON'T know is that Obama likes to wear a cravat and quote Shakespeare during sexy time. Some American! #firther

April 27 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Thank you for fighting the good fight, @Mike_FTW. I kind of love watching you go full-on bladerunner.

April 26 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Who am I kidding, it's a reclining commentary.

April 22 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Changing into my nightie and a piece of popcorn fell out of my sweater. Fellas.

April 19 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Ladies have their midlife crises one toe ring at a time.

April 17 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Nakachi and HAPPY VALZ DAY liked this

Yes, I'm living an incredibly sedate life - boring, really.That's the story and I'm sticking to it.

April 16 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Love me, love my unhealthy predilection for the word "dirndl". Mmm, dirndl dirndl dirndl.

April 16 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

I write "feisty!" on my shoe right before I throw it. For clarity.

April 14 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Hey guys, if I wanted to read the girls you want to fuck, I'd already be following them.

April 14 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Adam and Anika liked this

THIS! - Anika

I don't get it - I like big Botts

Whatever it's called when you can't think of the right word, I've got it.

April 14 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

I consider eating toast in bed productive because who made all these crumbs? That's right, ME, bitches.

April 13 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Swaddle Bomb #ApplebeesBabyDrinkMenu

April 13 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Cry It Out On The Beach #ApplebeesBabyDrinkMenu

April 13 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

The upside is I inexplicably shrunk 2 sizes, the downside is I had to go jeans shopping to find out. JEANS SHOPPING! *shudders*

April 12 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share

Always tuck my glasses in next to me when I take a nap. If that's not optimism, I don't know what is.

April 12 from Twitter - Comment - Like - Share