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If you dare give me your address I will buy you some magazines with my expiring miles. https://t.co/pwLJCEzu
Our neighbor gave us a cannibalistic goldfish today. We named him Albert Fish, (the original boogyman)
Best Valentine I've Ever Gotten http://instagr.am/p...
Best Valentines greeting I've gotten today: "You give me a soul boner"
Love is kind -> Even though I was wrong about Cole not being the one and we both knew it, he never rubbed it in.
Love is patient -> Even though I said aloud the day we met, "He's not the one." Cole waited for months for me to admit I was wrong. <3
"Hey girl, I've arranged for Hallmark to rename Valentines Day to Galentines Day because today is all about you." - Ryan Gosling
Please stop saying vee day. Every time you say it I think of Jody Foster delivering a PSA on venereal diseases in the voice of Nell.
I know it's so not hot to stop in the heat of passion and all, but you're going to have to wear a condom because I've got veeday. #VDAY
"Vee Day" sounds like a horrible disease that gets its own pamphlet at the gynecologist's office.
My living room, right now. If you know where we live come over. http://instagr.am/p...
2000 Playballs have arrived! http://instagr.am/p...
"Mama, you shouldn't hit the people you love, and you should love everybody." - My 5yr old.
PS. "Does this article link make my dick look bigger" tweets are known as #cocktweets. You'll recognize them when you see them.
"click my junk" and "does this article make my dick look bigger" tweets showing up again. It was fun hanging' out while it lasted, twitter.
RT @zchamu: Dear Left Coast: When Chris Brown shows up again just turn the whole thing off + go to bed. He's the horseman of the #grammys apocalypse.
RT @aurosan: 1 in 3 women will be the victims of domestic abuse in their lifetimes. Remember that as the Academy continues to celebrate Chris Brown.
Lil Wayne arrested backstage at #Grammys for gun possession? #classy
RT @JoshMalina: Grammy Newsbreak! Ice-T and The Lemonheads to form supergroup, "Arnold Palmer."
We have a Kafka book that's falling apart, Occasionally I find pages of "The Trial" around my house, I try not to see it as a sign.
OH: Right before impact: Keanu believed in the power of the matrix and flew away. #redpill #KeanuALIVE
Someone please make a "Sad Keanu" snowboarding death rumor animated gif meme immediately.
"Uppity Intellectual" is the new "Sexy Bitch" as in "I'd really like to get into her pants, she is one uppity intellectual." #youarewelcome
Laptop shooting dad has reminded to follow through with threats to my kids. Guess I'll find those gypsies I keep threatening to sell em' to.
Women, marriage, and education. http://www.nytimes.com/2012...
The best response by a father to an question about daughter "dressing like a slut" ever: http://twitpic.com/8ijklr/full (via @gainesm)
From this you should be able to extract my entire phone conversation last night. http://instagr.am/p...
This is the route we're taking to Austin: http://www.mapquest.com/... Know of any wacky tourist stops we should make? #RVSX
Talking with my #RVSX bus mates about what roadside attractions to stop at along our Chicago to Austin route. 2 story out house - yes or no?
Please take note twitter: not all brilliant and/or gifted people are tortured souls, in fact, usually not.
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