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"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
Marci Golub, Greg Guitarbuster, Rodfather and Itachi liked this
"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."
"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
Itachi, Rodfather, 'Like' robot (frɐnc) and metalerik liked this
Subscribed.
- Itachi
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
poor lady :(
- 'Like' robot (frɐnc)
"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ and Rodfather liked this
"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ and Rodfather liked this
"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
Rodfather, metalerik and Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
Zulema ◕ ◡ ◕ liked this
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."
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