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"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
A response to my dad's question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?" http://t.co/2HzXdGQC
My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world. http://t.co/h7g0FY3F
"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
"I just don't wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I'm plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can't say."
"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"
"No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."
"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
Sorry, shit my dad says got hacked. My dad isn't trying to sell you a crappy lap top, I promise. Don't open any links.
wow I just got a free dell laptop LOL http://GET-THE-DELL-LAPTOP-FREE.NET/...
"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."
"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."
"Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?" (Show airs tonight! 830/730c CBS)
"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
Benjamin Golub liked this
"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old."
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
Azul y Verde and Hector Flores R. liked this
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