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To whomever pranked me and put a piece of broccoli in my KFC Double Down sandwich: I'm going to find you and you will pay.
I can only enjoy eating KFC Double Down sandwiches if only people watch me eat it. #jaded
Dogs never bark what they mean.
Your momma's so homely, she wears a nightgown for an evening dress (This dis is for the Berenstain Bears only).
Song "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" celebrated its 50h abniversary, meaning at this point, the heart must have some sweet rent control.
Before the accident, Captain Hook was known as Captain Two-Hands.
Tony Bennett will sing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" today. He would sing 2 songs, but it's cold out & he left his scarf in his car.
RT @BillGrahamCivic: For Valentine's day and 50 years of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" Tony Bennett will be performing right across the street today!
Your mom's hot! #candyheartrejects
Grover Norquist looks like a substitute teacher.
.@oaklandlayover presents no cover women's comedy showcase 2nt sponsored by @Feelmore510 hosted by @mellyobrien http://t.co/cHI1K3bb #DTO
Tail of the Pup hot dog vendor: 4.99. Craig Wesson (handing money): Keep the change. - Opening credits of Body Double (1984). [Big tipper?]
Why is "Tomorrow is Valentine's Day" not trending?
Fav part of Ghost Rider 2 trailer is bad guys' underground lair has tv monitors. As if television monitors are going to defeat Ghost Rider.
Be my Valentine, Supreme Court of America.
"Who Is Paul McCartney?" Paul McCartney produces unreleased movie projects and forces the crew to eat vegetarian meals.
"Who Is Paul McCartney?" He's the Beatle who has been chewing gum at press conferences for the last three decades now.
RT @OJPATTERSON: Apparently Twitter support people being "That guy" at concerts http://twitter.com/OJPATTE...
Do not dunk the cinnamon sticks in the marinara sauce. Likewise, don't stick the breadsticks in the sweet icing cup. #pizzahut
Breaking: Sonic Burgers are not made from hedgehogs.
I've watched some Tom & Jerry's where Tom is clearly phoning it in.
There's a .gif of me floating around Facebook with a quote I gave at a graduation ceremony. I never gave that speech, it's a misquote.
In Ferris Bueller's Day Off, if Cameron's dad was such a dick, how come he had a nice car?
The twist ending to Safe House is that there is no safe in the house.
Lana Del Rey Performs at SF Amoeba Records [video]: http://sfist.com/2012... Makes locals nostalgic for the time Amoeba was a loud bowling alley
Why things are so good, when I asked for a happy ending, the message therapist gave me a mansion and a million dollars. Good, I tell you.
Why things are so bad the WalMart greeter asked me for spare change. Bad, I tell you.
Horses scare me. OK, 1 horse scares me. When I'm sleeping, this horse sneaks into my room with a sheet over his head and then he yells, Boo!
RT @SFstandup: Wanna read the shittiest article ever written about a new comedy club opening? http://theorion.com/enterta...
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