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Just when I think I can't love my wife anymore, I remember she can play the tuba.
On Valentine's Day, my wife and I like to reflect on how blessed we are to have each other. Then we throw pennies at single people.
I'd like to change my name to Speaking so I could answer the phone "Speaking speaking".
“I’m just like everyone else — I put my pants on one tentacle I mean leg at a time.” - bad octopus spy
TWEETUMBLUP IN TORONTO! Saturday, June 16. See Canadians as nature intended (i.e., drunk). http://torontup.tumblr.com/post...
Walking. Have to pee. If I walk faster, I have to pee more. If I walk slower, it's longer until I can pee. Now I understand the blues.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Hence the snorkel, cape, and rocket boots.
Dear Jason’s wife: Thank you for making Jason bring nuts to work in case he got hungry. You are a good wife. - all the squirrels in the park
Hey girl, do I make you moist? (Please say "moistly".)
The problem I have with breast feeding is how do you dunk the cookie?
RT @Bell_LetsTalk: Feb 8 is #BellLetsTalk day. Help end the stigma. For every RT today, Bell gives 5¢ to #MentalHealth http://www.bell.ca/letstalk
If you wear your fur-lined hood up, I have a vague idea of what you looked like at birth.
I like when I see people I know going to the bathroom because then I can say “Hey, you pee too!”
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