The Onion

WASHINGTON, DC-Seeking to make "comprehensive, high-quality lawn and garden care accessible to all Americans," a coalition of House Republicans Monday introduced H.R. 4702, the Hastert-Armey Lawn-Care Reform Act. - The Onion

After an embarrassing incident in which a husband and wife crashed the White House state dinner for Indian prime minister Manmohan Singh, the... - The Onion

NEW YORK—NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced a stricter league concussion policy at a press conference Sunday, finalizing a provision that would automatically charge a fine of $10,000 to any player who suffers a concussion. - The Onion

WICHITA, KS—At 8:42 p.m. Thursday, Wichita resident Cody Dixon, 29, reportedly spent the final seconds of his peak period of virility... - The Onion

The Blind Side, a drama in which Sandra Bullock takes in and tutors a future all-American offensive tackle, has smashed box office... - The Onion

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland - The Onion

WASHINGTON—Attorney General Eric Holder said that although the years since the brazen attacks had been painful ones that forced all Americans to rethink their place in a complex and terrifying new world, people were also just insanely busy. - The Onion

WASHINGTON, DC--After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation. - The Onion

News In Photos - The Onion

That's funny much of the software I use at work is from Bank One... - Christian (Simply X)

I'm certain I'm not telling you anything you don't already know when I say that the world is full of faggots. Be they wimps, pussies, or dorks,... - The Onion

BALTIMORE—In an attempt to energize starting left tackle Michael Oher for last Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens head coach John Harbaugh screened a copy of the inspirational sports movie The Blind Side... - The Onion

PHILADELPHIA—According to sources, local dullard Peter Merriam, 34, struggled pitifully Saturday evening to keep up with a simple... - The Onion

Twitter cofounder Jack Dorsey has introduced the Square, a device that plugs into an iPhone or iPod Touch's headphone jack and allows the user to... - The Onion

Slideshow - The Onion

LONDON—Analysts are predicting that the $3 billion Sir  Richard Branson has pledged for developing energy... - The Onion

NEW YORK—The Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year Award is a crowning life achievement for the player whom it honors, and the award's announcement is a landmark event highly anticipated by aficionados across the world... - The Onion

The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself. - The Onion

WASHINGTON—During an unexpected visit Thursday to an organizational meeting for this year's White House Christmas party, Vice President Joe... - The Onion

Former adviser to President Clinton and television host George Stephanopoulos has been offered a job as co-anchor of Good Morning America.... - The Onion

MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures. - The Onion

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland - The Onion

Former Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter came out as a lesbian on The Today Show. What do you think? - The Onion

what do i think? good for her!! - sally stokhamer

SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday... - The Onion

WASHINGTON—"This is such an exciting time to be an employer in America," said Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, adding that every single day 6,500 more citizens join America's growing possible workforce. "There's such a massive and diverse pool of job-ready Americans to choose from. And each month the number only gets higher." - The Onion

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams' offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday's broadcast of NFL Live. - The Onion

BOSTON--Ty Braxton, 23, continues to hide his fun and fulfilling life from the full-time employees of Hale & Dorr, the Boston law firm for which he has temped since July. - The Onion