The Onion

Shiny, Wriggling Object Attracting Interest Among Fish Community - The Onion

Lonely College Student Calls Up Mom To Talk About 'Harold And Kumar' - The Onion

COLUMBIA, MD—Flag salesman Roman Ivey could really use another national tragedy to tide him over until July 4. - The Onion

Chipper Jones Reports To Spring Training Early Just To Take Dump In Peace - The Onion

WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate... - The Onion

Prime Time for Ticker Tape - The Onion

LEXINGTON, KY—As a video of two women fellating a man streamed on his laptop, 36-year-old Timothy Barchuk reminisced Monday about a simpler time when he pleasured himself using only still images from the Internet. - The Onion

Fox 5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST Traveling from Nebraska to Nevada, John Madden invites some lesser MVPs to come aboard his bus and toss the ball around. - The Onion

MONTREAL—Upon releasing documents Monday relating to the verdict against 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, World Anti-Doping Agency officials mentioned to reporters they have plenty of stripped Tour titles in the office that anybody could... - The Onion

The Week In Pictures - The Onion

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends. - The Onion

Producers for the show House announced the current season of the popular medical drama would be its last. - The Onion

Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant - The Onion

MTV 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST A bad case of the cramps threatens Gina's perfect attendance record. - The Onion

Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other. - The Onion

Area Man Thinks He Has Rapport With His Mechanic - The Onion

Lane Bryant Model Almost Gets Guy's Number - The Onion

GOSHEN, IN—Fortunately, Wayne Carlin's cocker spaniel’s birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, or he would have had to throw two parties. - The Onion

Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6 - The Onion

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday... - The Onion

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday... - The Onion

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to... - The Onion

On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials - The Onion

Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut - The Onion

Dear The Onion, Enclosed is a weird smell that’s been lingering in my kitchen for a good month now. It’s like wet ham, but with an undercurrent of scorched hair. Any idea where it’s coming from? Jim Winning, Tulsa, OK - The Onion

NEW YORK­—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone... - The Onion

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security - The Onion

CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for d... - The Onion