Tom Hespos

"Lies. You planted a pine tree on your old tetherball court." - Tom Hespos

"Think. What did they do when this happened in Caddyshack?" - Tom Hespos

"That's the one I was thinking of. Stinger. Like the one that the guy posted earlier with the girl sprawled across it. Looks like silverbullet80 confirmed my suspicions. Thanks to both of you." - Tom Hespos

"Patchogue-Holbrook Road. Nowhere else in the world will you find more poorly-timed traffic lights, staggered at intervals seemed designed such that you'll stop at each of them to let precisely nobody cross." - Tom Hespos

"[Play this for them](http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips...)." - Tom Hespos

"Some other reading material that's specific to LI: [Cornell Cooperative Extension](http://www.cce.cornell.edu/gardeni...) Basically, if you have questions about what can/cannot be grown on LI, or if you want tips, they've got an article on it. My across-the-street neighbor worked for them for years, and he was my go-to source on anything having to do with plant life on Long Island when I ran a small newspaper in Shoreham and Wading River in the mid 90s. They know what they're talking about." - Tom Hespos

"I'm not big on corn, either. Yes, you do need to grow a lot of it, and you also have to be aggressive about treating for pests or various worms will get more of it than you'll put on your kitchen table. I've found it's easier to pick up ears of corn at local farmer's markets. Re: tomatoes - I've grown them every year since I started gardening. Given enough moisture and sun, they'll produce into October and in some cases November. Try planting some outside containers if you have the space. And maybe try some local compost." - Tom Hespos

"My dad and I gardened together when I was a kid, and since he's moved down to FL and I became a homeowner around 10 years ago, I've had a vegetable garden out back. Some things I've learned over the years about LI gardening: 1) There is no tomato more delicious than a home-grown LI tomato. The soil here is great for it. Tomato plants like it hot and moist. You can start from seed in April or from seedlings in May and you'll have bountiful harvests by July. You do take a risk putting plants in the ground before May 15th, however. The risk is that you get a cold snap that kills off your plants. Most people feel comfortable enough to put plants in the ground by the end of April, though. 2) I've had the most success with tomatoes, peppers, zucchini squash, cucumbers and snap peas. I'd go so far as to say that if there's a stereotypical Long Island vegetable garden, that tends to be what's in it. 3) Other things that tend to do well: Eggplant, pumpkins, potatoes, corn, carrots and various..." - Tom Hespos

"It's like a Mad fold-in, but with boobs!" - Tom Hespos

"On the plus side, you can use the information burned into your hand to find the Well of Souls." - Tom Hespos

"To be fair, the new Highway Super in Brookhaven just took office after a special election. (Disclosure: He's a good friend of mine.) Christian Ave? They could pave it sooner, but they'd just have to dig it up again for the utility companies and re-pave it." - Tom Hespos

"Why Can't This Be Love?" - Tom Hespos

"Bloomin' Haus on Waverly Avenue in Holtsville is pretty good." - Tom Hespos

"Yes it is." - Tom Hespos

"Texting and driving is an acquired skill. If you die, well, you're just not very good at it." - Tom Hespos

"I know...let's repost this again. There have got to be some people who didn't see it the first 56 times." - Tom Hespos

"I was thinking it was the T-1000 after Ahnold hit him in the face with the grenade launcher." - Tom Hespos

"I'm opposed to the cameras, for a few reasons. They do deter speeders, but they also turn into the equivalent of digital tollbooths eventually, as municipalities get addicted to the ticket revenue and start playing with things like red light timing. When false positives come up, it becomes harder to fight tickets because "cameras don't lie." Yet, the false positives do exist. I like to think that if I'm going to have to take a day off of work to fight a speeding ticket, at least I'll have a human accuser who can show up and back up his story. The cameras make it too easy for municipalities to not have to put skin in the game. That's when the cameras turn into digital tollbooths. Also, if you look east to Long Island, the cameras always seem to end up in low-income or middle-class neighborhoods, and rarely if ever in places like The Hamptons." - Tom Hespos

"The internationally-recognized symbol for "Absolutely no muff diving."" - Tom Hespos

"Don't worry, folks. In a day or two, Chuck Schumer will be along to announce a ban. This show will never get off the ground." - Tom Hespos

"Usually these things end up in the Lost & Found in Penn within a couple days. Usually, they end up at Jamaica first and then the items get transferred over to Penn. It might take a few days, but my experience is that you get your stuff back within a week. Over the years, I've lost a phone, a wallet and a GPS device. I got both the phone and the wallet back. The GPS got lost forever, but only because I believe that I might have dropped it between cars as I was moving from car to car. Generally, people on the LIRR are pretty honest and quick to turn lost items back in, knowing that they'll probably be in a similar situation at some point. Knowing a conductor won't likely help you, unfortunately. Just wait it out." - Tom Hespos

"Big concentrations of furniture stores on Rte. 110 and Rte. 112. Try some of the discount furniture outlets there." - Tom Hespos

"Dave Winfield got fined for that shit." - Tom Hespos

"I went to undergrad in VA, too. Here's essentially how it goes: Week one, as you're introducing yourself around and people ask you where you're from, you'll say "Long Island" and people will respond with "Ohhhhh... Lawn Guyland..." You will hear this dozens of times if you go to school in the south. Week two, you begin to realize that people are generally incapable of distinguishing between Long Island and Manhattan. Unless people have been to some of the more rural areas of Long Island, they're going to assume you were brought up in an environment that resembles the South Bronx. Week three you'll be so tired of hearing the Lawn Guyland thing that when people ask you where you're from, you'll respond "New York" without giving any specificity. Again, people are going to assume that means you grew up in a very dangerous urban environment. By week four, you come to realize that many southerners are intensely distrustful of New Yorkers, while treating them like some sort of novelty. You..." - Tom Hespos

"Next you'll tell me the photographer wasn't an architecture student, either." - Tom Hespos

"Wonderful to know that the tradition of wandering aimlessly about in front of the Flatiron Building taking pictures of it is more than 100 years old." - Tom Hespos

"I live across the street from the Holtsville park. Seconded." - Tom Hespos

"Sweet Mandarin (Bayport-ish) has great sushi. Lots of LI sushi places are awful, but Sweet Mandarinis pretty solid. There's also a newish place in Oakdale that's even better. Theirs is the best sushi I've had outside Manhattan." - Tom Hespos