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"WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Today, President Obama issued the following letter to all Verizon customers: Dear Verizon Customers, Yesterday it came to light that the National Security Agency has been collecting millions of phone records from you each and every day. Since that news was released, many of you have called the White House with questions and concerns about this new program. To save my time and yours, here are answers to three of the F.A.Q.s (Frequently Asked Questions) we’ve been hearing from you:" - Jessie from Bookmarklet

Borowitz has gotten better; he used to undershoot satire by a good bit and it came off as too weird to be real, but too real to be funny. - Andrew C (✓)

When do they get their throats slit? - Zulema ❧ spicy cocoa tart from Android

Parker was definitely long in training to be Facebook asshole royalty. I had the misfortune of partying with him and Shawn Fanning back in the earlier Napster days (my cousin ran in that circle and dragged me to a series of parties with her) and while Fanning was infinitely less douchey than Parker, the entire experience was one of those "Oh my god I can't believe I wasted makeup on this" situations. Parker spent a lot of time bragging about himself. Good luck to his wife. - Hookuh Tinypants

Rubio backing away from his own bill is a sign of just how little traction this effort has despite heavy heavy lifting and major money spent by Silicon Valley, Wall Street and big business - WarLord

If I use it in a sentence with "futurist" and "Thought Leader" do I get a BINGO! - WarLord

"Andrew C, The C is for Changer" <---- on your business card - that's a freebie; you're welcome. - Micah from FFHound(roid)!

And THIS is what all that cheap imported crap we buy costs - WarLord

As well as the expensive imported crap. Just larger profit margins for the companies that have successfully created 'brands.' - Eivind

Cristo revisionism is not history and if it was Libertarian that's a bigger fail since it was rejected #sorrythanxforplaying - WarLord

I'm rooting for all the baddies in this movie. - Mary Carmen

616 Paranormal Incident.....just say no. - Mary Carmen

I'd have it help me rob high end jewelry from houses. Then again maybe not. My name isn't Frank Langella. - Scoble, Alex Scoble

and if it had more than two arms it could hold my food and feed me too. I guess the ultimate expression of technologically enabled laziness is still the Wall-E floating chair, though. - Andrew C (✓)

Steam punk has a meme of powered jaws to do your chewing for you - WarLord

Not a complaint. Merely an observation. - t-ra: confounded from Android

"...Holly came from Miami, F.L.A. Hitch-hiked her way across the U.S.A. Plucked her eyebrows on the way Shaved her legs and then he was a she She says, "Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side..... " - WarLord

And you better secure your water rights now, too. - Victor Ganata

Water 'rights' don't mean much if water never gets that far down "the pipe." First dibs on nothing is nothing. At the rate we're depleting underground aquifers, those won't be of much help either. Perhaps the prevailing model for agricultural food production warrants revision? Let's see how long it takes ADM, ConAgra and Cargill to buy into that. - Jkram|ɯɐɹʞſ

...over the whole US and he and my mother moved to OH. Part of the agreement for that move was that when dad decided to leave the company they would allow him to be an 'agent' ... something like a franchisee ... in an area where there wasnt a corporate office. When I turned 26 he did just that and moved to Florida (my parents divorced at that time). At 27, after refusing many, many times I moved Florida to run the office for him. In the beginning it was just us and two techs. Most days I was alone in the office b/c dad was out pounding the pavement looking for business. - Shannon - GlassMistress

sounds like you're a good human - SteVe C

For the first time, the Republican Party has a Chief Technology Officer: outgoing Facebook Engineering Manager Andy Barkett As CTO, Barkett will oversee the Republican National Committee's recently announced plans to restructure itself around data and analytics. He will also be responsible for training Republican candidates and staffers on social media and technology as well as building relationships with technology leaders across the country. “It’s essential that the Republican Party has the resources to drive voter turnout as we look toward the elections of 2014, 2016 and beyond," said Barkett in a statement. "Silicon Valley welcomes the party’s efforts to be more creative and innovative, and I look forward to helping the party accomplish these goals." Read more... More about Facebook, Us World, Politics, and Us - Johnn Luevanos

Lipstick on a pig or it's hard to innovate "legitimate rape" or be creative with Transvaginal Ultrasound Probes.... #epcifailinprogress - WarLord

(1) I was just watching a Friends rerun (the alt timeline ep) where Phoebe did have a heart attack. She had left arm pain. (2) I never thought about the bra interfering with defibrillation. It's probably a good thing I'm not a doctor. - Andrew C (✓)

The War Ladies Gall Bladder attack was awful. We thought she was having heart attack.. - WarLord

But no Henry Blake from MASH #ohwell - WarLord

Thus neatly avoiding a Democratic turnout on his own re-election in November 2013 - WarLord

Heh, I had that exact thought. - Jennifer Dittrich

And a special election will have a more conservative electorate, which would improve the odds for whatever Republican runs for Lautenberg's seat. - John (bird whisperer)

#keysforkendra - WarLord

That's nice! I use magnetic tins that I label with the spice name and stick to the side of my fridge, myself. Not nearly as pretty, but functional and easy to use. - WebGoddess

The spice drawer was contractor suggestion for filing extraneous space in remodel We wanted to keep spices in original bottles but refrigerator magnets holding spice tins is cool idea. - WarLord

"Given this uni­verse, and the fact that defen­dants are pre­sumed inno­cent until con­vict­ed, there can be no ques­tion as a mat­ter of law that buc­cal swabs of DNA are being seized from inno­cent people." - Victor Ganata

It's a nice treacherous Catch 22, isn't it? If they don't use a lot of markers, then you run into the problems with false positives, especially if the courts are willing to grant warrants on weak matches. If they *do* use a lot of markers, you won't have as many false positives, but then they're probably collecting RFLPs or even SNPs associated with actual genetic information or even directly sequencing coding regions that might be amenable to precrime analysis. - Victor Ganata

Interesting article...but I'd never thought I'd see the phrase 'oral sex veterans'...huh? "oral sex veterans with a history of more than 20 years of oral sex" - Bubba da Troll

I will totally accept a medal for that. And maybe a hat too. - Hookuh Tinypants

A large fire broke out at a poultry farm and processing plant in northeastern China early Monday, charring much of the facility, trapping workers inside large concrete buildings and killing at least 55 people, reports and officials said. - WarLord

The fire at the poultry processor highlighted the lax safety standards at many Chinese workplaces. It could also focus renewed scrutiny on China's biggest pork producer, Shuanghui International — unrelated to the poultry plant — as it aims to buy U.S. food giant Smithfield in what would be China's biggest takeover of an American company - WarLord

"Fortunate" perhaps? - RepoRat

Can't (epi)genetics do the blessing? From an English grammar language perspective, that's a non-issue... "I've been blessed by genomics background" - Egon Willighagen

Agent Orange as used in Vietnam was a liquid herbicideapplied by spray planes. Long term it was a carcinogen and mutagen. Orange smoke might be just that "smoke" an obscurant sent into crowd to disrupt and disorient them. - WarLord

and happy penguins - Greg GuitarBuster

Facebook is not a public space nor is it social media. Facebook allows you posting in the foyer of a provately owned space devoted to salls and marketing in exchange for your persoanl information which fosters that marketing. You don't have rights, you are merely inventory being sold to highest Fortune 500 bidder. - WarLord

If not selling your information is a requirement to be called 'social media,' then there is no such animal in any significant capacity. For me, this is one of the few times when social pressure and advocacy has worked the way it should. Corporations were taken to task for profiting from, and contributing to, a portion of that particular community that most of their consumers felt was... more... - Jennifer Dittrich

ME TOO! I've noticed at my newish job that students tend to call me much more than at my previous one. Makes me confused. - Megan loves summer

i have more phones and phone numbers than anyone you know and i hate using them (at least for voice). i'd love if everyone would just send me email instead. i have pretty much stopped answering the phone at work--folks in my office get that calling me is a crapshoot while email is a sure thing. one of my institutions (where i don't have a phone, thankfully) just installed a voicemail system which will also email a transcription. if only a reply to that email would do the right thing... - henry

Well, they all take photographs. Whether they're any good is another story. - Jennifer Dittrich

Worse yet, most people aren't good at editing their own work. Only show me the good ones, people! - Brian Johns

Dang. =\ "The Chicago Sun-Times, one of the oldest daily newspapers in America, fired its entire pool of 28 photographers on Friday, and plans to source future graphics from reporters who will be trained to capture print-worthy images with their iPhones." - ronin from Bookmarklet

#winner from petapixel comments: " Every report, regardless of topic, will be accompanied by an Instragram photo of lunch. " - WarLord

actually I'm appalled and nauseated to be part of this exploitation even at arms length #buttheresnobuttonforthat - WarLord

But the same technological advances that have empowered the rise of Big Brother have created another wrinkle in the story. We might call it the emergence of Little Brother: the ordinary citizen who by chance finds himself in a position to record events of great public import, and to share the results with the rest of us. - WarLord

What follows is a discussion of public and private space, expectations of privacy (or not) closing with this "When we are in the street, we all belong, in some sense, to everyone." #sousvelliance - WarLord

take care of you and yours - SteVe C

I'll be thinking of you and the kid. - OMG 404 Joe

"Inflation matters.  It matters a lot.  Contrary to what you may hear in the mainstream press the Federal Reserve has done everything to stoke the fires of inflation.  The reasons for this include creating asset inflation that is understated in CPI data and also setting up a system where consumption is almost forced upon consumers.  How so?  With negative interest rates consumers are losing money by simply having their money in a savings account.  Even a modest rate of inflation will erode purchasing power when banks are paying zero percent on your hard earned deposits.  Yet this is all part of the design.  Inflation matters because it does encourage spending.  You want to spend today given that your current dollars will lose value tomorrow.  The Fed likes inflation so much that it has reignited the housing market once again while it has expanded its balance sheet to over $3.3 trillion.  Inflation absolutely matters." - Morton Fox from Bookmarklet

This article demonstrates amazing cherry-picking. It's goldbuggy, blaming the lack of gold standard for inflation post 1933, and then it says median household income has been stagnant _in the 21st century_. Let's ignore that real, adjusted-for-inflation household income had risen steadily from 1933 to 1970, because that might undermine the argument. - Andrew C (✓)