XKCD webcomic

"The worst resolution to the Valentine Prisoner's Dilemma when YOU decide not to give your partner a present but your PARTNER decides to testify against you in the armed robbery case."

"I have never been as self-conscious about my handwriting as when I was inking in the caption for this comic."

"Or if you replace your car, we'll be happy to set it on fire again so you can take another crack at getting that shot."

"Your will be led to judgement like lambs to the slaughter--a simile whose existence, I might add, will not do your species any favors."

"Hi! Someone call for me? I'm a superhero who specializes in the study of God's creation of Man in the Book of Genesi-- HOLY SHIT A GIANT BUG!"

"I've been trying for a couple years now but I haven't been able to come up with a name dumber than 'Renesmee'."

"'I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish Aquaman were here instead--HE'D be able to help.'"

I had the very same discussion with a marine geologist recently, it involved calling my grandfather and old fishermen in other countries; we failed to come to any conclusions regarding the earthquake/tidal dilemma. - dju

"If you're annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going."

"Suckville is considered by the Census Bureau to be part of the Detroit metropolitan statistical area, despite not being located anywhere near Detroit."

"Though 100 years is longer than a lot of our resources."

"Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable."

"In protest of SOPA, I'm currently getting totally blacked out."

"I'm really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won't be, probably.)"

"Abel and Steve would've been fine! I like Steve!"

"The top computer champion at Seven Minutes in Heaven is a Honda-built Realdoll, but to date it has been unable to outperform the human Seven Minutes in Heaven champion, Ken Jennings."

"'ARE YOU TURNED ON YET?' 'I DON'T THINK SO--ARE YOU?' 'MAYBE A LITTLE!' 'OK, FIVE MORE MINUTES.'"

"Thank you for making me feel less alone."

"If you're lying in bed tonight and you see yellow eyes glinting in your window, are you being stalked by a puma, a mountain lion, a panther, a catamount, or a cougar? Trick question--in North America, they're all names for the same species, Puma concolor! Isn't learning fun? Anyway, sleep tight!"

"To compensate for this, I plan to spend 2013 doing nothing but talking about Mayans. My relationships with my friends and family may not fare well."

"You can't stab Karl Kasell. He sounds all slow and stentorian, but he moves like a snake."

"Favorite mastectomy breast prosthesis idea: a fake boob containing a spare rechargable battery, accessed via a nipple USB port. Complete with a ring of LED charge indicators in the areola!"

"Plus they take like 9%."

"I think you could get up to about 11:59:57 before you'd have trouble swallowing the chocolates fast enough. At that point, you'd need some kind of a liquify-and-chug apparatus to get up over the 11:59:59 barrier. Anyway, Merry Christmas!"

"Legally-mandated information would be printed on the back or discreetly along the bottom. In small letters under the nutrition information it would say 'Like our products? Visit our website!' There would be no URL."

"'Sailor Moon's head exploded once' and 'Some men have explosive orgasms' both work for the Great Lakes from west to east (Paddle-to-the-Sea order)."

"We could go to the theater across town and see if it's opened THERE yet, but we don't want to lose our place in line."

"The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days."

"'Welcome to the future! Nothing's changed.' was the slogan of my astonishingly short-lived tech startup."

"An 'American tradition' is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice."